Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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