The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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