My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
