It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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