Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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