Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
