Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
