If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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