just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
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I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
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So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
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