he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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