Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
being pregnant is like rehab
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
