First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
