She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
