i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
