its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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