at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
