Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
