your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
