I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
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My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
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My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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