You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
