You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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