his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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