if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
