I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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