did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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