okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
