Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
