some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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