need another drink. this is the easiest way
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
