Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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