Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
