I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
