i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
