I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
