nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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