I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
