i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You had me at "let me see your balls"
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
