could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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