what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
