Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
