i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
