I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
