You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
