so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
