Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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