Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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