Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
