i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
