I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
