sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
