Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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