Just fell off a train. Bad.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
