Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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