After last night, I could never be a politician.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
