I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
