You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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