fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
