My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
