she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
