It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
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I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
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And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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