I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
