so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
