The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
