Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
