I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
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